~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Page unknown

The page I am living now is not numbered and I am not sure where I am up to in this story. A major plot twist has left me processing everything in a disjointed scattering of letters. None of the words I recognise are making sense in the way they are arranged. I am overwhelmed by a wave of emotion whenever I attempt to change anything.

I have been persevering on my own for so long, it is a different kind of existence in this familiar setting where I grew from. Returning, I am a character who has survived the author’s insistent tension, facing resistance like a mad professor testing out a brand new invention.

Today, sitting outdoors at a cafe in a bustling shopping centre arcade, a mint coloured mug full of a sweetened hot oat milk latte serves me a stillness to wonder about other characters around me, starring in their own narratives, as equally curious as mine. I am both anxious and humbled, as none of us can know anything more than our experiences have shown us to be true, until we arrive in our own versions of tomorrow.

Maybe we are always on a page unknown, and that is by design, to keep us growing at every turn and when we look back at what we learned, the book is written and ready to be reread, understanding where this present page fits, will be with the gift of time for a wiser perspective.

Until then, I believe our purpose is to do the best we can, as good exposition for the pages that follow on next, without reading too far ahead and without knowing how it ends. I consider that unknown inevitability, a blessing.

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Matter trap

We are conditioned, from the beginning, to value the physical, at the expense of the intellectual, mental and spiritual. Someone is always selling something to you, in this matter trap.

. . . . in progress . . . .

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Mind mining

I have been imagining the human mind is like a mine. It is a fascinating excavation. Especially being conscious of its consciousness and able to observe subjectively and objectively whatever is perceived, deeply and unseen.

. . . . in progress . . . .

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Fireside friend

My true friend,

It was you, who was there by the fireside, covered in ashes, guiding me to safety.

While I was in shock, you were the one who showed immense bravery, you saved me and this is a way, to acknowledge your generosity.

From further away they watched, and did not know the extent of damage, or how to help, as everything had begun to crumble, shatter and melt.

You did not hesitate though, to instill such courage in me I needed, for gathering and protecting, all of the most valuable pieces of myself.

Thank you for staying close by, glowing brighter than the flames that engulfed my life, showing me the phoenix I can be, now rising stronger and flying free.

Guiding me to safety, covered in ashes, I always knew you were there by the fireside, and I am grateful to you every day, as I live and breathe again.

Faithfully,

your Fireside Friend.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Search light

I start walking fearlessly along a path and I am sure of the direction I am heading in. The sun is above me, warm and shining brightly in a clear blue, cloudless sky. Vivid colours surround me; a sweet, floral aroma; pleasant sounds of nature buzz harmoniously. I feel calm and barely notice how many steps I have taken, taking my time and looking around with awe and mindfulness; peaceful and present.

Suddenly, the sunlight is dimmed by clouds and I feel a chill down my spine. A cool breeze flutters my hair, causing my skin to goosebump. I clench my jaw and hunch my shoulders forward, folding into my chest for warmth. All of the colours around me pale and fade into shadows. I hear my shoes drag across the ground. I become aware that I am squeezing my fists shut. I begin to question my navigation ability, feeling slightly disconcerted by the darkening horizon ahead and my isolation, a landscape vacant of familiar landmarks. I turn to glance over my shoulder and realise the place I came from has vanished and nothing distinguishes where I was from where I am heading. A lump in my throat; a sharp pain in my head; my cheeks flush and my ears ring with a high-pitched note.

The breeze has increased to a windy resistance stirring dust and debris into the air. A strong force of pressure presses into me, leaving me unbalanced and disorientated in a chaotic dance of inconsistent timing; rhythmless. I am no longer sure of anything and begin to panic. I reach for my phone in my pocket and realise I left it charging next to the kettle. I stop, put my hands on my hips and shake my head. I close my eyes, tilt my head towards the sky and feel raindrops upon my forehead, cheek, neck. I take a deep breath in, open my eyes to greyness and blink away rain as I wipe my hand across my face, smooth back my hair, pull my damp shirt away from my chest. The ground is spotted wet. Turning back is not an option, because I don’t know where I am. There is no shelter. Not another soul. I shiver from the cold, darkness ascends and I will soon be void of any source of light than the uncovered stars and a segment of moon once it rises. The night stretches like a blanket over everything before I have taken another step. I have the fleeting thought, ‘I wonder whether anyone else has noticed that I haven’t come home or shared that I have safely arrived anywhere else yet.’ I decide that noone is aware that I am nowhere. I realise I need to keep moving – in any direction – to reach an unknown place to rest until dawn. The longer it takes me , the more obstacles I am likely to encounter and potential threats to my physical safety, but there is nowhere to hide. As my sight becomes blackened in silhouettes, my mind begins to fight itself. My heartbeat thumps in my ears like bass through an amplifier; the impending fright suspended in a soundtrack of a horror film viewer’s memory. I wonder how…if I will survive.

By the light of dawn, scratches, bruises and soaked shoes stand on the welcome mat of a farmhouse as the rooster alarms the sleepers’ awakening. I am safe and they are kind. When I lose myself, I never know who I might eventually find. To me, one with this incomparably vivid mind: even the longest, coldest, darkest night, I can, and I pray that I will always survive. I have realised, I was born after all, with my own bright inner search light.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Outgrowing

I realised today, I still wear the skinny black jeans I wore four years ago to a job where I was treated harshly by my supervisor (that I now understand was bullying and harassment, but I wasn’t able to describe it at the time with this clarity and informed perspective, even though I knew what damage the feelings were doing to my confidence and sense of self-worth.) I didn’t know the goodness and respect I deserved.

I haven’t thought of those jeans as something I have covered my skin with since those days. To anyone else, they are merely a functional item of clothing as they have been for me as well. Now, in a particularly vulnerable head space, after moving back to the city those experiences occurred in, they have triggered the memories and familiar feelings of discomfort, inadequacy, pressure, unrealistic expectations, and miscommunication.

Today, I purchased the first new pair of denim jeans I have bought in four years and tried them on in my childhood bedroom. I live there now, with my eight month old puppy, since my relationship ended.

I will throw away or donate those skinny black jeans that are now too big for me. I have outgrown many things recently. I am proud of that.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Satellites and anchors

She can do whatever she wants, they say, but not this or that, and she should do the opposite option to her instincts. So, tell me how is she supposed to learn how to ever completely trust herself, if there are always unsolicited warnings and inherited fears from someone else being received in abundant flow?

Satellites need her as a consistent point to move around. Without her, they have not yet discovered their own inner guidance control centre. Meanwhile, anchors lock her into the sandbar of a harbor to protect her from the dangers of the wide ocean. Her true purpose of sailing freely and exploring her curiosity becomes limited to the small waves the anchor can predict easily.

She is the satellite’s guide, the anchor becomes her protector, but eventually she begins to feel heavier and heavier, with the pressure to lead the way without the freedom to demonstrate the wisdom she has already gained.

She is convinced she needs less and in consequence she sees less, with a shielded view by satellite’s close orbit, while anchor causes her to drown beneath the surface, reassuring it is in her best interest to stay hydrated.

. . . . in progress . . . .

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

A retro stampede

Stand clear, please, of my retrospective stampede, at the speed these emotions are revisiting me, I cannot guarantee our safety, or accurately predict, the damage they will leave this time, it is so unpredictable, this healing mind of mine.

I have moved my entire life, three hundred and forty three kilometres – twice, seventeen years have stayed behind, but I am not the same, how could I be after each major change?

It is taking all this momentum, for me to stay one step ahead, I do not want to fall anymore, or always feel this socially awkward.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Soul lights

Everything will be ok, because when we say ‘come what may’, we trust ourself, to find our own way.

I know, today is testing your soul, and you have been holding your breath, dodging another challenge you have been thrown.

It seems like time has slowed, and you will need a moment to rest, just believe peace is coming darling, I promise.

With faith held safe within our chest, our brave soul light prevails, chasing all fear, back into the darkness.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski

~ Written by Danielle N Bilski ~

Today there are 50 days until my website’s 15th birthday on 4th August this year. I will be writing a new piece every day between now and then to mark the significant milestone and capture this time in my life filled with a lot of major changes. This is what I came up with today.

Loose pages

Who wrote this lesson? Demanding every moment of my attention, left me questioning this method, and will I ever truly know myself again.

Honestly, I am hesitating to unfold the map of where I have been, as I can feel familiar shame, it is hovering and determined to sneak itself beneath my skin, when I am not looking.

Surely you see, it will not be filter-free, while protecting my self actualisation is first priority, some of these loose pages, I intend to let you read, eventually.

So, be gentle with me please, do not tear up my history, or force the words you think you need to hear, as I sit quietly listening to the rest of the world breathe.

©2024 Danielle N Bilski