~ Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~

p a p e r  c l o c k s

I knew whenever I sat down to write this, I would feel very vulnerable and in a position where I would be writing honestly and openly about some very painful and transformative events that I have experienced since I wrote 128. I Am You on 14th January, 2020. I started writing a piece during the night of Nana’s 96th birthday in June last year, when I wasn’t feeling well enough to visit her, Skyping with her and some family members instead. I wrote two paragraphs and shared what I’d written with a close friend who I was texting with later that night. I never did finish writing that piece. It felt like I was trying too hard and I really didn’t understand the situation well enough at that time to express it with the clarity and level of comprehension I intended.

When I share with you some of the experiences I have had, it should give you a better idea of why I was never able to capture any of it in these particular words and form, until now. In fact, it still feels like a gargantuan task, but I am more adequately equipped to attempt something coherent enough without the darkness swallowing me as it did for a long time there. I am back to the light, relatively speaking and it has taken more to get here than I could ever explain. With guidance and support from an incredible professional I am extremely grateful to have been introduced to, (although because of the way it unfolded, involving multiple setbacks, I honestly believe we were always meant to find one another) I have gradually developed the ability to reframe each experience in a different way that has revealed the things I have the power to control or influence, and taking opportunities to let go of whatever isn’t within my capacity to determine its outcome.

The interesting thing is that I have actually done more writing in the last year and a half than I ever have before. During this time, I have kept a journal since 7th July 2020 (which I started on the day my beautiful baby cousin was born whose presence was mentioned in 128. I Am You). I have written and posted on my website 21 poems and short pieces of prose, a short story as well as the tribute I wrote for and read at Nana’s funeral on 9th December, 2020. I shared those poems on a now-deleted Instagram page I created in January 2021, specifically devoted to sharing my creative writing. I printed out some of them for a few of my night fill team members who became avid supporters of my writing last year. Most recently, I retyped 28 poems posted on my website over the last twelve years into a Word document, producing a poetry book manuscript I have decided to write, using the same name as the Instagram page I had for the working title and its core themes. Following this, I asked my brother to help me purchase the dot com domain name which he has kindly directed to mytimewithyou.com.au while I develop this new creative project.

I have also created many lists of the challenges I have overcome throughout the past nineteen months since I wrote that last piece. I recounted Christmas 2019 with my family, the bushfires that affected the wider community, and how I was a part of a team as I learned how to lead and so much from, acknowledging our shared connections and common humanity. Retrospectively, that actually now serves as a prologue to a much greater narrative every single person in the world has been a part of, in their own way, since this virus became a physical, mental, social, financial and spiritual threat to the entire living human population on Earth, remaining so as I write this one. My home state, along with almost every other Australian state and territory is currently in a lockdown: our sixth one in total, and fourth one this year.

Everyone will have their own version of the story, which are not mine to tell. Here, I am only sharing with you my time, my moments. For anyone reading this, while I take no ownership of your experiences, nor make any assumptions about what this has been like for you and your family, I certainly want to pay my sincere and utmost respect to you for everything you have endured, survived and continue to battle with enormous courage. I am sending my warmest love and greatest strength to you. I hope you and your loved ones remain healthy, safe and as happy as possible, now and always. I know you have certainly encountered other difficult, personal obstacles during that time and your perseverance is nothing short of astounding! We all have our lists of battle scars or badges of honour, depending on your current perspective. You may even have your own name for them. I produced my lists while in two distinct mind-frames.

During the past year and half, there have been moments when those lists have been a desperate attempt of mine to quantify the reasons for my depression, anxiety and overwhelmed mental state amongst other feelings, when numbness didn’t prevail. In contrasting moments, I have compiled the list in reflection of how far I have come; as a statement of how proud and strong I felt to have survived each challenge that followed in such close succession within such short periods of time before the next major challenge presented itself; and to remind myself of all of the things I have grown through and learnt from – not for one moment denying what immense energy and courage it took for me to get through every test that simultaneously cracked my life apart. The transformation I have experienced between February 2020 and August 2021 is undeniable. By no exaggeration, the list I typed up yesterday in preparation to begin this piece contains 36 unique memories.

I intended to summarise each item in this piece, but as I really thought about it, I realised that it would be more appropriate to create individual pieces for twelve life areas including health, career, family, social etc. This coincides beautifully and symbolically with the recent twelfth birthday of mytimewithyou.com.au which was on Wednesday 4th August, 2021. Otherwise, I would either be glossing over some important details if I spend only a short time on them below. Alternatively, this piece would grow far too long if I attempt to include as much information as I feel each experience deserves. It would be tiring for both readers to navigate and me to keep track of the timeline or structure of as I write it. Having lived it, I am confident that it has been an odyssey even Homer would be shocked to have beheld. I have lost three family members and one school friend; left my job of three and a half years; undergone multiple tests for health issues; lost close friendships; had my confidence and privacy shattered by a former work colleague; cared for a sick pet; been sexually harassed by a stranger at a funeral; witnessed a marriage ending; and watched three lives beginning, to name a few. I have also been active in my physical, mental and spiritual health; completed my first journal which took nine months; started writing a manuscript; shared my writing including giving the tribute I wrote for my Nana’s funeral; redecorated my bedroom; donated unused books and clothes to charity; and found faith in myself to write this opus.

On 25th May, 2021 I wrote down evocative titles I composed from an online random word generator. The one that I have spent hours trying to consolidate my ideas into, particularly for the last three weeks, is ‘paper clocks’. I considered the form of a poem or a short story, but they felt too limiting for how much I want to capture and convey. I didn’t want to write from the perspective of a fictional character or unidentified narrator. Writing this piece has made me realise that recounting the evolution of each area of my life in new pieces, like each one I previously composed, will be time capsules. Like the twelve houses of our birth charts, I am thinking of these time pieces hanging on the walls of each of the twelve rooms of my internal life house that has been completely renovated. My nutrition and physical activity is where this begins (153: two year glitch); before testing my spirituality (154. sun in my eyes); relationship (155. two bubbles); the foundations of my career (156. zero squared), health (157. within my skin), family (158. gathered),  and home environment (159. grey ocean) gradually collapsed; social (160. warm clouds), finances (161. figured), learning (162. scattered growth) and creativity (163. dream state); to light my path to rediscovering joy (164. gold through you). These twelve paper clocks have marvelous tales of inevitable transformations to tell. (*spoiler alert: sea voyages not included)

Honestly, I am feeling anxious about stepping back into these moments I will excavate the gold from, but that is just conditioned fear of the unknown and the avoidance of more pain. One of the greatest lessons I have learnt through all of this time is that facing that pain and discomfort is how I have grown and shed those old layers. I have nothing to fear, because like paper, those memories can be either hidden, crossed out, torn up, buried, burned; or faced, written and read. I am facing and writing for others to read and will hopefully, like any good alarm clock, awaken sleepy souls. (140. stardust, 141. holding honey, 145. white wall, 147. dear hope, 148. in our nature, 149. fearless, 151. illusionist)

One of my favourite things I have ever written and am proudest of are the last seven lines of a poem I wrote last year ‘133. Flickers’ that reads:

‘Trust me Star Child, I know
we have all felt an urge to implode,
but you have no reason to be afraid.
You will never question your matter,
or want to hide your true splendour
once you have learnt why we were created.

We all flicker a little, sometimes.’
– Flickers, Danielle N. Bilski (2020)

Time has made you who you are now, but it is you who can now make time by breathing deeply, reflecting often and ever learning about yourself. As Michael A. Singer insists in The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself (2007), ‘do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it.’  I have also gathered these truths: nothing matters and everything is impermanent. We are not our thoughts and our minds constantly limit our capacity to live as fearlessly and love as deeply as we can. Our purpose is to find inner peace in every moment, especially those when it feels impossible. The only limit to anything is ourselves. Stop giving your power away. Live deliberately. Be still. Seeds planted and nourished will bloom, so avoid planting and feeding the negativity – nothing happens without being manifested. Time is relative. Gratitude heals everything. The search for truth continues.

With my love and light to you always,

Danielle N. Bilski

©2021 My Time With You