~ Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~

You woke up today. You ate something. You looked at your phone screen once, or twenty times. You drank something. You felt hot and you smelled smoke in the air. You moved and you sat still. You heard sounds you’ve heard many times before, but you might not have been actually listening to. You touched things and you felt things. Eventually, you closed your eyes.

I am You.

Christmas Day, 2019 was twenty days ago. Like most people, I spent the afternoon with my family. We sat outside together and ate a delicious lunch of roast meats and salads we all contributed to the preparation of. We exchanged gifts from under the tree beautifully adorned with silver and gold tinsel and baubles, and took our annual family photo. However, we didn’t know until the timer was set for the second shot that another member of our family was with us. My mama unknowingly told everyone to ‘Say cheese’, but instead of ‘cheese’, my darling cousin shouted, ‘I’m pregnant!’ There was a beat of silence as everyone comprehended what she had said as we all turned from smiling at a lens to hugging and congratulating the proud parents-to-be.

The camera didn’t document those following moments though. They couldn’t. Even if someone had thought to press record on the camera in video mode, the elation and relief, love and surprise, gratitude and expanding hearts could not have been captured, despite them being obvious and experienced by those of us in that lounge room, at that time. For me, being the oldest of us three grandchildren, a bridesmaid in the parents-to-be’s incredible wedding in 2018, and being ‘Auntie Nelle’ to my sweet little nephew, I was so happy! Now she is fifteen weeks along, and I am bursting to meet and share time with this precious soul my beautiful cousin and her wonderful husband created.

When I returned to work the following night and I was talking to other team members about our Christmases, I couldn’t help but recount this amazing gift our family was given. I want to share this wonderful memory with you, because this epic news preceded the last eighteen days of work, which I knew would be challenging for me, but also became a profound time of growth, learning, and a reminder that I’m apart of something that matters. For those three weeks, the baby has also been growing. How magical!

This is because, on this same day – Christmas Day 2019 – my extremely hard-working manager began his three weeks of annual leave. For some people, that wouldn’t cause much anxiety. When a lot of change has already been occurring, it is more likely to have a larger impact. In the six weeks before, team members had left, others had transferred departments or changed their hours from night to day, whilst new team members had commenced their training. I also marked two years in my current role in early November 2019, and was experienced enough to be given the responsibility of four, eight-hour supervisor shifts over the last two weeks of my manager’s holidays.

Leading up to December, I was reminded of the pressure I’d felt when our team had reduced leadership support the last time my manager took three weeks of annual leave in January 2019, and I was understandably apprehensive. Also during that time, I was very lucky to be given my birthday weekend/our anniversary weekend off from work on Friday 13th and Saturday 14th December, so my partner and I could attend an Opeth concert and have a lovely dinner with my family. I can now see that weekend was a celebration of how far I have come, but also necessary preparation of my soul for the growth it would experience in the month that followed.

Throughout November and prior to my manager’s retreat, the team I had know all year completely transformed, which meant that what I had been able to rely on and feel a part of slowly slipped away, like a snake shedding it’s skin. It was those of us who remained who’d help shape the team moving forward into not only a new year, but an entirely new decade! However, each person who left – one who I enjoyed watching reruns of Penn and Teller – Fool Us with during our Saturday breaks; another who is weeks away from giving birth to her second child and I still cross paths with even though we don’t work together directly, but always makes me smile; another who I bonded with over our love of food went back to her home country in preparation for her wedding in February; a quiet, kind soul who I would greet with a smile at the beginning of his shift which marked the end of mine; and a lovely friend who had trained me two years ago and whose birthday is two days after mine – also left a mark on me and my time there. Not seeing them when my skills were being tested the most and not being surrounded by them as my most familiar work-family members I’d shared the most time with, shook my world.

When my manager, my most steadfast ally of all, was no longer present, a new team was  rallied. A job needed to be done. Which is what we did. We helped one another, we all learned together, we laughed with one another, we felt hot in the Summer nights and we felt tired. The first night I supervised, we were missing three team members and we did our best. It became easier as the days went by. New team members were learning quickly. Experienced team members held their share of the responsibility under my unfamiliar direction. I’m so proud of you all! I certainly learned a lot: how to prepare work for, to support, communicate with, encourage and show appreciation for each member of the team, every night. I include myself in that team. Despite the added responsibility, I am one of them – then and now. I am You.

Since Christmas Day, I worked eleven nights. Four of those nights I was supervising. All of those nights, I demonstrated my ability to be professional, knowledgeable, caring and compassionate, a teacher, responsible, organised, hard-working, efficient, helpful, friendly and approachable. Physically, I was exhausted. Five nights in a row – a thirty-six hour week from 31st December 2019 – 4th January 2020 – during a period when most people were taking a break over the new year, took almost everything out of me. I still had to do washing to make sure my uniforms were dry and ready to wear, I went shopping for groceries, I prepared nutritious meals to ensure I stayed healthy, and  I made sure I did things I enjoy like reading, listening to John Mayer albums while I cooked dinner, practicing guitar and watching comedies to nurture my mental health and creativity. Particularly the new Upright series which led me to watch a Tim Minchin acceptance speech at his arts school. It was a perfect mix of humor and important advice about making your own life and always being kind – no matter what! Genuinely kind, right from your heart. Most importantly, I had to get enough sleep even when sleeping during the day surrounded by the everyday sounds of others wasn’t conducive to uninterrupted slumber. I didn’t expect to have much left after all of those things were ticked off throughout the time I had. I wasn’t alone. Each person I worked with had their own list of personal responsibilities. Keeping this at the forefront of my mind was paramount – that we’re all carrying something and for some it’s just heavier than for others.

‘First of all – don’t stress.’ This was what my manager told me multiple times throughout our last night working together before his holidays commenced. He knows how much the previous experience without him there affected me and how much I care about doing a good job. This same advice was echoed by other members of the management team I communicated with, as well as by my mama. This is often easier said than done, especially for someone who prides themselves on their perfectionism.

I don’t know whether it was the work I have done to bring only a positive energy to work that I have cultivated over more than two years; drawing positive energy from building relationships with other team members I have known for a while, but not worked as closely with before; having the conviction that I was always doing my very best no matter what; all the things my manager has taught me; my knowledge and skills which gave me confidence; or the fact that the people I didn’t want to disappoint took the overwhelming expectation away, because they had faith in my abilities. In all honesty, I think it was the perfect combination of all of those things, but I made it through those eleven nights in a way I hadn’t expected. It wasn’t easy. However, it became easier than I’d anticipated it would be. When the whole team was there, it was almost enjoyable. Don’t get me wrong, I dropped things, but someone was always there to help me pick it up, to laugh about it with, to teach me something or wanting me to teach them. We figured it all out together, with a little bit of John Mayer’s Continuum album playing in the background. What I had been afraid of having to do alone I didn’t have to, because as long as I was trying, I was positive and kind to everyone, I had someone (or an entire team of people) who would have done whatever they could to help me. To each and every one of them, I want to say a sincere thank you. I’m so glad you’re here.

I live my life by such values as ‘the way you treat others will be reflected back at you’ and ‘what goes around, comes around.’ This extends to yourself as well. Others will see the way you treat yourself, and if you treat yourself with care and respect, nothing can bring you down. Kind gestures to others and to yourself; showing appreciation; and communicating openly about how you feel and what you need helps others become more connected with what they need and feel.

Right now, the people of Victoria and New South Wales are suffering from such extreme and seemingly insurmountable conditions, as bush fires continue to threaten more and more communities. Even in other states, we have been able to smell smoke in the air over the last twenty days and there is no foreseeable end to this national emergency. These events started unfolding while I was in the midst of that thirty-six hour working week, so I was only able to pay minimal attention to what was going on. I do not use any social media – after deleting my Instagram page in early November 2019 – and I do not watch, listen to nor read the news. I know our cities are blanketed with smoke and ash clouds, turning the sun bright orange and covering the sky with a yellow haze. Even with windows and doors closed tight, you can smell smoke. To everyone going through this difficult time, I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

A quick look online and you can learn that our country’s climate is currently in the El Nino-Southern Oscillation (ENSO) phase of a close to four-year cycle which affects the temperature, air pressure and rainfall of countries within the Pacific ocean region. During the El Nino years, temperatures are often above average and with reduced rainfall, the drier conditions increase the fire danger along with those extreme temperatures we’ve been having throughout December and January. Besides donating what I can to charities who are providing support for those families and businesses who have been and will be affected by these events, I feel like my positivity and optimism is priceless right now. Adding any more negativity to the world is just not an option for me and I don’t want to anyone else to suffer.

So, now that my schedule is back to normal this week with my manager due back at work tomorrow, I took a quiet moment tonight to reread ‘119. Space in time‘ and ‘115. Eclipses‘. What I realised was, I was speaking to myself from the past – 10th July, 2016 and 13th February, 2015, respectively. Me and the people around me faced many challenges throughout the time that I recounted in those pieces, and we also celebrated many accomplishments; some small and others were major. For many years, I’ve questioned my self-worth and my abilities. I’ve second-guessed my choices, wondered whether I’ve done enough, have I done the ‘right thing’, what is wrong with me, will I figure it all out one day, will I be seen as a disappointment by those whose opinions matter most to me, and will I create a life I am proud of?

This past month, I have turned another year older and a brand new decade has begun. I celebrated thirteen years with my partner and two years in my job. I have a gorgeous nephew who will be three in March, an incredible ninety-five year old Nana, a wonderful family, unconditional old friends. I love you all very much! Plus many more amazing people I get to work with every day. As I shed another layer of my skin, my resilience has grown thicker as blood keeps pumping through my strong, warm, kind heart. This I know for sure. I’ve also let go of a lot of old anxieties, insecurities and difficult memories. I must also say, I have a new level of respect for my manager, for the person he is and the years he’s been doing such a tough job with immense dedication and humility. I know you enjoy it, but I still appreciate everything you do for us. Thank you, you’re simply amazing!

My dear reader: Please remember, we have all been that new member of the family. The one who is learning and seeing things for the very first time. Who is meeting new people and visiting new places. Never forget how special you are and that everyone else is special too. Wherever you are now, reading this – if no one has made you feel special today, I want you to know that you are a beautiful person. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I’m so proud of you for making this far! You are a part of something much bigger than you might realise and, gosh, I am so glad that you are here with me. Everything you do, does and will matter. Think positive. Be kind.

Today, I woke up late and I ate a pie with salad. I looked at my phone many times, to send messages to people I care about. I drank a black coffee with one sugar. I sweat in the Summer heat and I could smell smoke in the air, from places I’ve never been before. I cleaned my room and then I sat on the couch reading poetry from Here at Dawn by Beau Taplin. I listened to the sounds of a fan oscillating and guitar strings being strummed by someone I love. I touched many things, I know. I felt things too. Eventually, I will close my eyes, as we all do. I know you did some of these things, old and new. Because we are here. Together.

Thanks to you – all of you,

My Time With You

©2020 My Time With You