~ Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~

I’m not sure how  to begin this post. Which probably explains why it has taken me so long to sit down and write it. Today marks 129 days since I submitted my final university assessment for one of the last three units of my Bachelor of Arts (Literature & Composition). The past eighteen weeks have been a mixture of relaxation, reflection and unexpected stress. The stress has been triggered by events involving multiple members of my family being admitted to hospital simultaneously and finding out family friends have passed away. There has been more public holidays in the last four months than there are in the rest of the year (Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Monday, Labor Day, the Queen’s Birthday) which has meant shorter weeks for those around me, therefore the regular schedule has been interrupted periodically. I must say, I’ve enjoyed more time with myself, my partner, and my Mum doing some fun things. I’ve completed mandala colourings, finished knitting my first Winter scarf, read four books, watched countless TV series, updated my resumè, and anxiously awaited my final grades, then confirmation of my graduation status as ‘Approved’, and I’m currently counting down the days until my degree is delivered during the first week of August. I’ve had some ideas for short stories and even tried to create a little system of combining a character’s occupation, a setting, and an event. Yes, like those improv actors and comedians who ask the audience for suggestions and create an anecdote or joke from the responses. In the end, this overwhelmed me and is something I can always use when I’m ready.

If I’m being completely honest though, which is a core value at the heart of this website now and was from the beginning, I’m floundering and I know it. I applied for one Editorial Assistant position at Cambridge University Press which was advertised for three days in June. I can only imagine the overwhelming response they received for this entry-level role in a competitive industry. Since then, I’ve experienced moments of pride in completing my degree and countless  holy-crap-what-on-earth-am-I-going-to-do-now-and-with-the-rest-of-my-life moments. The latter has become the more dominant, spine-chilling recurrence. Putting any of the feelings and thoughts I’ve had over the past four months into words has proven an unsuccessful task, until now. Every time I thought, ‘I really should write a new blog post about the fact that I finished studying’, another voice would ask, ‘but what do you actually have to say?’ For eighteen weeks, I haven’t been able to answer that question and have proceeded to distracted myself with something less confronting.

Please don’t get me wrong. I have needed this time to enjoy my achievement, rest my mind and my body, rediscover my spirit, and spread love to others during a difficult couple of months for my immediate and extended family. The best way I’ve been able to explain my current situation to another person is that I now have to deal with things I’d placed into the non-urgent pile in my mind and heart while studying, the next reading and assessment deadline being my immediate priorities for the better part of four and a half years. Now, it goes without saying that is a very long time for the rest of my life to be placed on-hold for. (Ok, so curiosity made me work it out and that’s equal to 1,643 days or 39,420 hours!) Yes, that would be one expensive phone bill! With too much time to think and slowly withdrawing from the well-worn, student mindset I’m only now catching up with myself. The self who was left behind nearly five years ago. It wasn’t her fault. She just had a lot to learn. Now, I’m on the other end of one of those ‘five years from now’ projections. I’m grateful to be here, but also at the very beginning of another one with absolutely no direction this time. It took me four attempts to complete my degree in the last thirteen years since finishing Year 12. I earned a Diploma in that time and worked multiple jobs in a range of industries. The desire to earn a degree was always there for me to acheive. Now that I’ve done it, I have the pressure to enter the ‘real world’ and to earn a living, settle into a home of my own, and fulfill the rational expectations. What puzzles me most is this: 1) how do I go about rebuilding my life, and 2) what are my expectations of myself now? Four months of contemplation, I don’t feel any closer to figuring out the answers. This is not through lack of trying.

I have a photography business to pursue, many skills from customer service, sales, administration, data entry, coffee making and some waitress experience, volunteer and of course professional and creative writing, editing and manual digital photography. I’m confident in my abilities, but not confident in myself at the moment. I know that studying off-campus, essentially alone has had it’s social disadvantages for me. The last job I had was at a cafe three years ago. My job history is extensive over the last fifteen years, but what has the last three years of not working done to my chances of obtaining graduate employment? It comes down to me putting myself out there, meeting people and presenting all of the skills I’ve cultivated. This is true. However, as the weather seems to be getting colder than it has for years, and the weeks are ticking over faster, part of me has entered hibernation for the Winter. I will make my move, sooner rather than later; that’s the plan. I’ve already shown myself what I’m capable of achieving when I begin and persevere. I guess I’ve taken the first step out of my graduate-coma and finally written this post.

Marking the first moments of another five-year projection and I’ll keep warm by wearing my new, handmade Winter scarf.

Being what I’ve become and sharing my time with you,

My time with you.

©2016 Danielle N. Bilski