~Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~
It’s been almost a year since I wrote ‘Eclipses’ (post 115) in February 2015. Strangely, those emotional scars it captured are still quite vivid although 2015 was a much more productive and steady year in comparison. I was lucky enough to share three beautiful wedding days; I continued my universities studies in consistent succession which has lead me to these final four weeks of my degree; my family experienced a relatively predictable year; and nothing changed as dramatically as it had during the second half of 2013 and 2014 as a whole. This predictability might help account for my absence from MTWY as I’ve never wanted to write anything just for the sake of posting on the website.
Having re-read some of my previous posts throughout the year and again last night, I remembered where I was when I wrote them – physically and emotionally. The truth is, I have been in those physical places so many times since, but I’ve found it very difficult to get back to those emotional ones. The closest I’ve come to expressing myself has been through my photographs. In many ways, the silent images have replaced the silent words I haven’t been able to find in the last twelve months. I’ve been searching for beauty in nature, capturing small creatures in their native environments while being as respectful and unobtrusive as possible. As I’ve begun to develop my personal style of taking photographs and gained confidence in this kind of creativity, I’ve realised this is complimentary to my writing in many ways.
It must be mentioned, attempts were made early last year to post more of my photographs on this website, but at one stage there were issues with the website loading and it took a little while for the problem to be discovered and rectified. This is another reason why MTWY was neglected for the majority of 2015, to my personal sadness.
Nevertheless, my family and some dear friends have been very supportive of the photographs I’ve shared on my private social media account which has been really lovely. In fact, one of my oldest and dearest friends has been so encouraging of my photographs she inspired me to start my own business in October 2015. I registered a business name I came up with, I created the logo for it which I place as a watermark over the images, I registered the domain name, and added a selection of photographs to a new Facebook page.
However, the main intention was to print out an enlargement of one of my photographs which I donated as a raffle prize at my friend’s annual charity event. Held on the same night as my brother’s wedding last year I was unable to attend the event, but I’m definitely looking forward to this year’s one! A sincere thank you to my gorgeous friend who constantly supports and impresses me with her generosity, courage and brilliance in everything she does. Since these actions in October, I have continued to take photographs although the business is yet to be fully established. I plan on dedicating myself to this new project in March as I’m completely focused on finishing my BA by the end of February this year.
Around the same time, I also launch my new website and Facebook page titled ‘twenty six mondays’. Having maintained the Facebook page with updates of the films I’ve watched and the marks I’ve received for my assessments, the website blog has stood at a single post. Currently in Week 9 of my final study period and studying three units, understandably my workload is quite substantial as it is. Things I thought I’d have time for haven’t eventuated the way I intended.
Similarly, this intense focus has distracted me from enjoying many other things that nourished my spirit during the first few years of MTWY. Michael Jackson’s videos are now playing on the TV – ‘Man in the Mirror’ is on at this particular moment – and it couldn’t be more profound timing. I used to listen to Michael’s albums back-to-back while writing, studying, exercising, and even when I was just sitting in reflection. With some money I received for Christmas I purchased Michael’s DVD of his concert filmed at Wembly Stadium in 1987 which I played while I studied about three weeks ago. I have an MJ song as my mobile ringtone. Yet I still feel like he’s been missing from my life in a more consistent way. In fact, I’ve found myself listening more so to Darren Hayes, Savage Garden, Ed Sheeran, Daniel Johns, and Silverchair over the last six months. They are incredible artists in their own right and have also made a significant contribution to my life. (As I write this, the ‘Heal the World’ video is now playing.) However, Michael Jackson’s music triggers something inside me that originated in my six year old self and still resonates today. It’s at the heart of MTWY and my creativity; a connection with a divine power. It’s beyond words or physical existence.
While my focus has been mainly academic over the last twelve months, maybe in a kind of healing process after the roller-coaster ride summarised in ‘Eclipses’, I haven’t let myself become so vulnerable, so deep, so reflective or internalised as I have when creating other MTWY content. Perhaps I’ve been afraid to. Maintaining control of my studies and my life, more generally, means I’ve been afraid to let my guard down out of fear of collapsing. For this reason, photography has allowed me to create without exposing myself and risking the emotional complexity that my words simultaneous express and provoke.
I must also give my eternal thanks to another wonderful, old friend who posts gorgeous affirmations every couple of days which have become a new source of divine wisdom for me to consistently access. Her words re-balance my life each day and remind me of the things I forget when I let the distractions dominate.
I have so many other incredible friends I don’t see often in person, but I know our friendship is unconditional and sincere. We’ve worked together, studied together, partied together and shared memories I’ll never forget. I’m sure you will all be the ones who read this one day and know who you are. I thank each and every one of you with all that I am. I wish you love and happiness, always.
On the verge of graduating and ending this chapter that has defined my life for more than four years, I’m excited and anxious at the same time. I’m savouring every moment of the end, reflecting on the infinite lessons I’ve learnt and accomplished, and looking forward to having more time with you; like we used to. Our seventh year together, I know it will be very special. It already has been!
Looking ahead to July, I have made a reservation up north for my family to enjoy a mid-year holiday to coincide with my graduation. I can’t wait to walk with my class as the past four years have been quite a solitary effort. Every time I think about it, I get quite emotional. I think the best way to sum it up is in the experience of reading E.M Forster’s novel titled ‘The Longest Journey’ which I borrowed from the local library the week before Christmas and finished reading last night. I have traveled my own long journey, been detoured, stopped for a rest, and collected treasures from each new destination along the way as I rediscover myself.
Even though I haven’t written for a long time, goodness have I been learning! Four weeks away from achieving my goal, I feel like I’m slowly waking up from an incredible dream. My mind is full of knowledge and a blank page is waiting for me.
It is here I shall leave you; for now. As always, I’m immensely grateful for your time.
My time with you.
©2016 Danielle N. Bilski