~ Written by Danielle N. Bilski ~
I will be the first one to admit that I have been distracted and relatively unmotivated over the last few months, in my writing and my life in general. For some reason I keep asking questions as I always do, however lately they keeping ending up being about what I am going to do about my career and my future.
On good days I can approach ‘My time with you’ with the clear intention to accept it as my career. On other days, which have become progressively more frequent, I tell myself that my writing isn’t and will never be enough to survive on. While I recognise its eternal positive effects on my spirit, which I know are priceless, there is an insecurity inside me that finds its way to the forefront despite my best efforts to over-ride it.
Many people define themselves by what they do, their occupation or social role. Over the last week or so I have realised that for some reason or another, I have never let myself be simply a writer. Society has defined me as a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a friend, a niece, a girlfriend, an employee. When it comes to my writing, I have always thought that there needed to be something else to legitimise it and if I was not getting paid to do it, it was necessary to support this passion with a supplementary income in order to survive. Why can’t I be simply a writer, without the fear that it is not enough.
Of course I need to think of my future, to gain some financial independence and have a means to survive. The difficulty comes in the struggle to make my writing do that, the way any other job does. There is the in-between stage of proving that I can write and finding others who will employ me to do so on a freelance basis, to give me the flexibility to work on my own projects as ‘My time with you’ and pursue other passions and goals I have.
A few days ago, after spending the last few months considering my options (find a full-time job, go back and study, build up my freelance writing business) and months of applying for jobs and going for interviews to no avail, I enrolled in a Bachelor of Arts to major in Literature which I start at the end of August. I am also in the early stages of becoming a volunteer for a local humanitarian organisation, which I have been wanting to do for a while. I have been reading books about Buddhism and am trying to become a vegetarian which I feel I must point out are things that I have been researching and considering for years.
The last few months have taught me, if nothing else, to appreciate everything I have in my life and to begin making choices that feel most true to me, rather than what I think I should be doing for the approval of others or what I have come to accept as the way it should be. I love to learn and by giving myself the time to read more books, think more clearly and listen more to myself, I have discovered that it has been myself that I have had to define and prove myself to. I have had to legitimise my role as a writer to myself in order for others to accept it as fact. From now on I intend to treat novel writing as a job and dedicate regular, routine working hours to completing the manuscript. Now I will proceed with my other beliefs and passions with a level of conviction that I have not let myself experience in the past, or not for a long time.
The future is uncertain and every day is a new challenge, however if you are at peace with who you are and what you do, you are able to embrace every moment and learn from it, so that you can appreciate yourself and others in the most sincere and compassionate way.
The story is simply waiting for us to tell it. Seek the most authentic you, through all of the definitions that others try to attach to you.
Choosing the way I walk; one step at a time,
My time with you
©2011 Danielle N. Bilski